Do I Want Sex? The most disturbing fact I learned last year..
Published: July 8th 2021, 5:18:56 pm
Do I Want Sex?
The most disturbing fact I learned last year was how many relationships are defined by sex. Like, the spark, the initiation, so much of relationships count on sex to thrive and I've never seen it that way. In fact, I've always looked at it the opposite. Sex, in my mind, was what made me not date. I so desperately wanted to date someone, anyone, in High School and have my messy 'oh isn't that cute' story where nobody would judge me. But I was always afraid of the looming sex. The threat of sex has given me so much anxiety that I haven't dated anyone. Ever. Still to this day I'm terrified of asking somebody out because of the expectation of getting down and dirty.
What sucks is that I'm not against sex. I think it looks fun and can be an activity that deepens relationships, but I feel utterly numb with fear whenever I think about it. I'm scared shitless that I'll disappoint my partner. I'm fearful that I won't be able to satisfy them. Masturbation and sex are not pleasurable experiences for me. When I masturbate, it's to relieve stress. Very rarely in my adult life have I masturbated to feel pleasure. It's to relieve tension, or if I'm masturbating with someone then it's to connect. I feel accepted and I want to bond with somebody. The same thing applies to sex. Even though I'm still a virgin I view that act as servicing someone. I don't see it for myself. And the anxiety of disappointing somebody with sex is crippling to me.
So, in short, I would like to have sex but my insecurities prevent me from losing my V-card. That, and I'm too old to be a virgin. I feel so much shame for being one and I just know that if I told anyone I was interested in they'd dump me. It's depressing, but I've come around to the fact that I'll forever be alone and a virgin.